Why You Feel Lost: The Key to Finding Direction in Life

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Do you ever feel like you’re just drifting through life like a plastic bag that gets picked up by a gust of wind, only to be tossed around until the air within has run out, only to wait for the next gust of wind to pass by? Do you feel a deep lack of direction or a sense of purpose in life? If so, you are not alone.

More and more people are feeling “stuck”, directionless, and unsure of which path is theirs to walk. As someone dedicated to helping others reconnect with themselves and find their way, I have noticed this unsettling trend becoming increasingly prevalent. Whether it is a sign of the shift in our modern times or something more deeply rooted, one thing is clear: this pervasive sense of directionlessness is a growing concern that demands our attention.

Now, I have a few theories of my own of why this might be the case. It seems like we are more disconnected from our true selves than ever before. The relentless pressure of FOMO (fear of missing out) and FOBO (fear of better options) leaves us feeling anxious and unfulfilled. On top of that, we are drowning in endless choices, overwhelmed and paralysed by the sheer number of possibilities at our disposal. Add to that our constant distractibility and a deep-seated fear of discomfort, and it is no wonder we feel so lost and directionless. However, there is another deeper-rooted, internal part that pushes us astray and which often goes unacknowledged: self-trust. Now, you may be wondering: What does my level of self-trust have anything to do with the directionlessness of my life?!

Trust in oneself is fundamental to achieving a sense of purpose and direction in life. Without it, you will invariably be that plastic bag that gets tumbled about by external factors. The lack of self-trust is particularly evident in high-achieving, perfectionistic individuals, and it generally only shows its face at the end of a pre-determined path or career trajectory. Let me explain.

When we are in school, our path is pretty much determined for us. We go from grade 1 to grade 2… all the way (hopefully) to Matric. Once we have reached the end of our academic schooling career, we pursue another pre-determined path, college or some other tertiary education. Alternatively, we may even end up taking a role in the family business, or doing some ad hoc travel jobs. We try to avoid sitting with our own existential crisis at such a ripe age by leaning towards others to provide us with a path, a direction. It is easy for us to choose this because if it does not work out, then guess what, we can blame those external guides! We can blame the other, not the self.

Unfortunately, there is only so much avoidance you can manage before your psyche slams on the brakes, sits you down, and forces you to take a good, hard look at your life. This often manifests as depression, a state where your mind drains your energy to make you SIT STILL and REEVALUATE! You are no longer on the right path, and this existential depression saps your zest, motivation, and drive because you are climbing the wrong bloody ladder!

When we lack self-trust, we fear making significant decisions. We do not trust ourselves to 1) make decisions independently and 2) handle the consequences of our own choices when they show up. Why? Because we have trained ourselves to rely on external factors to guide us, and invariably, make our choices for us. However, when things don’t work out as we expect them to, then we have someone else to blame: “I did not choose this,” “I did this because you told me to,” “I have to do this because I have no other choice,” or “I cannot change now; too many people are invested in me getting here.” We dodge responsibility for our choices and their consequences.

So, how on earth do you start cultivating self-trust when you have spent a lifetime outsourcing it to everyone else? First and foremost, start making decisions for yourself and quit the people-pleasing habit! If you want to learn more about this self-sabotage behaviour, I would recommend you check out this article. Begin with the small stuff: decide what you REALLY want for supper, pick the restaurant YOU prefer, choose the investment YOU believe in, or even just the colour sweater YOU actually like.

Secondly, once you have made a decision, stick with it — no matter how guilty or uncomfortable it feels. And trust me, it will feel highly uncomfortable at first — embrace that awkwardness! Making decisions for yourself is going to be like wearing shoes on the wrong feet initially, but hang in there; the more you wear it, the comfier it gets.

Thirdly, if any consequences of your decisions come up (like realising you have made a mistake or chosen poorly), remember, it is OK. You won’t die, no one is going to abandon you (and if they do, honestly, good riddance), and your life is not over. Face the consequences head-on. It gives your brain the evidence it needs to know that you can overcome life’s difficulties and rely on yourself to see things through.

Then, once the smaller stuff becomes easier, start making bigger, more permanent decisions where the risk of making the wrong choice is higher. Either you will celebrate having made a really tough decision and it paid off, or you will have an opportunity to absorb the consequences and rely on yourself to pull yourself through.

Finally, rinse and repeat. Make a decision, learn from it, and keep going. By doing so you are chipping away at your own insecurities around agency. You prevent yourself from becoming an insecure overachiever who ends up chasing titles for an internal sense of security, or an entrepreneur who is in constant pursuit of more wealth.

Now, I am not advocating that you should bolster through life all by your lonesome self. We all need people in our lives, especially when times are tough. We need reassurance from others that things will be okay even if we have made the wrong choice. Moreover, we find inspiration and encouragement from others when we doubt ourselves. The key difference is to not ignore that internal drive nudging you to make a certain decision that is right for you. Do not wait around for someone else to point you in a direction for you to make something of your life. Do not wait for some external person or thing to provide you with the script for the next chapter of your life. Take the pen and start writing the next chapter yourself! It is far more authentic, meaningful, and fulfilling.

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