I should have this figured out already!
“The hardest part is not finding out who you are, it is accepting that which you find” — Carl Jung
I have lost count of the number of times I’ve heard clients criticise themselves with the thought “I should have had this figured out already!”, or “I cannot believe that my parents’ way of being still have an influence on me today!”. Psychotherapy can be a very self-revealing journey — more often than not, it will bring things to light that were previously hidden, buried away deeply within your psyche. But this is exactly the purpose of the psychotherapeutic process; to discover your true self by acquiring self-knowledge and self-insight through explorative enquiry, self-articulation, introspection, and reflection.
Even though it may often feel “silly” or “stupid” that you have only become aware of certain aspects of yourself at the ripe age of 30, 35, or even 55, it is not! It is a privilege to find yourself in a space where you are able to uncover these hidden parts of yourself. However, often clients will feel guilty for dealing with such “trivial” things, reasoning to themselves that they have a beautiful home, life, marriage, etc. yet these “small” things seem to derail them and cause them so much pain. Well, then are these things really so “small”? Pain and purpose have no comparison. What is meaningful and important to one person, cannot ever be compared to the pain and purpose of another. Do not ever invalidate yourself and your unique human experience like that (i.e., gaslight yourself). Rather, you may want to ask yourself: Where does this expectation come from that I should have already had life figured out?
As described so beautifully by David Brooks in his book, The Second Mountain, we often have to climb our first mountain — the one set by others; only to get to the top and realise that this it is not what everyone made it out to be. You thought getting to the top of the mountain i.e., achieving career success, obtaining the degree, creating financial wealth, buying the car, getting married, buying a home, having kids, you name it, would make you happy. Only to find that you weren’t happy, in fact, you were utterly dissatisfied with the view. It was not the view everyone made it out to be. It is only then that you turn inwards and ask yourself, what is my mountain? Which mountain do I want to climb? Which mountain will I be happy climbing, even if I don’t like the view? this is what David refers to as our second mountain — the one we choose, regardless of the view. It is the mountain that aligns with our sense of self, values, and life’s purpose. However, in order to get to the second mountain we have to go through this deep valley — the self-discovery process.
This valley is dark, torturous and lonely. At the outset, the path ahead seems obscure, shrouded in the mysterious veil of uncertainty. Each step you take is tentative, guided only by the faint glimmer of your inner aspirations and desires. As you venture deeper into the valley, the shadows loom large, casting doubts and fears upon your path. Yet, amidst the darkness, you find a sense of determination, a flicker of courage that propels you forward. With each stride, you confront the unknown, confronting your insecurities, childhood wounds, and internalised beliefs head-on.
In the solitude of the valley, you confront your innermost thoughts and feelings, peeling back the layers of your being like layers of fog dissipating in the dawn’s light. Here, in the process of self-enquiry and self-reflection, you begin to discern the contours of your true self, untethered from the expectations and judgments of others.
The journey through the valley is the therapeutic process, which is, more often than not, riddled with personal challenges. There are moments of stumbling and faltering, where the path ahead seems obscured by the darkness. Yet, with each setback, you find strength in resilience, picking yourself up and pressing on towards the light that calls you from within.
As you near the end of the valley, the darkness begins to recede, and your second mountain starts to illuminate itself. Here, amidst the rugged terrain and towering peaks, you stand on the cusp of new-found clarity and self-discovery.
So, the next time you find yourself criticising where you are at in your personal self-discovery journey — stop. Acknowledge how far you’ve come and take comfort in knowing you are exactly where you need to be!
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