Emotions: Your weakness? The truth behind your tears

“The more anger towards the past you carry, the less capable you are of loving the present”
- Barbara De Angelis

“Not now”, I tell myself. “Hold it. Deep breaths”. I can feel tears trickling towards the bottom of my eyes. My view gets hazy. I refuse to blink. Fearing that a blink would push the tears down my cheeks; proof of my internal defeat. “Deep breaths”, I remind myself. With each exhalation, I force down the heavy emotions that accumulate in my chest. I feel their intensity, almost stabbing away at the inside of my chest. I drive a little faster. “Almost there”, I pacify myself. I finally park my car, grab my bag and keys, and bolt straight for the door. The keys fall to the floor. “Really?!”, I yell to myself with frustration in my head as I bend to pick them up. As I grab my keys, my fingers tighten around them, squeezing them into my palm. Tears come streaming down my face. I realised I had lost the battle.

This was the younger, emotionally suppressed version of me. The me who was not allowed to cry in front of others or portray negative emotions. Despite feeling emotions intensely as a child, my emotions became less intense over time. I did not find this odd at all, in fact, I saw it as being emotionally resilient. I could muster through anything! I could pick myself up from deeply emotional experiences within the blink of an eye. I could provide emotional support for others, keep optimistic, give hope, and just bolster through life. I had a sense of emotional stability — well, that is the narrative I held about myself for so many years. Sadly, what I did not realise back then, was that my perceived emotional stability was actually unhealthy cycles of emotional repression. It was only once I embarked on my own therapeutic journey that I was able to gain the self-insight required for me to release myself from this previously adopted coping mechanism.

As a psychotherapist, working with intense, deeply rooted emotions is an integral part of my daily practice. However, unlike my younger self, I now have a deep appreciation — and dare I even say love — for emotions. Particularly the deeply painful ones, as sadistic as that may sound. My view of emotions has profoundly changed over the years. I no longer view the experience and expression of negative emotions as a weakness, an embarrassment, or a burden. Instead, being able to embrace all of who you are, including your own pain and suffering, is nothing less than a courageous feat. Emotions remind you of your existence. They serve as the palette of colours which you use to paint the canvas of your life. As such, denying your emotions is akin to denying a part of yourself, a fundamental aspect of your being. To ignore them is to forsake the wisdom that they offer you, for within their depths lie the keys to self-discovery. Life is suffering and trying to avoid facing painful emotions is like trying to hide from your own shadow on a sunny day — you might dart and dodge, but no matter how fast you run or where you try to hide, it’s always right there, following your every move, reminding you that it’s impossible to outrun your own emotions.

In therapy, I can physically feel it in my body when a client is suppressing, whereas it can be a bit harder when a client represses, just because their emotions do not even make it into the therapeutic space. There is an important distinction between emotional repression and suppression. Emotional repression operates on a wholly unconscious level, where emotions are suppressed without conscious awareness or deliberate intention. In contrast, emotional suppression involves a conscious effort, where individuals actively acknowledge and choose to evade or overlook their emotions. Hence, in therapy, with suppression, the emotion is there, you can feel it.

In their rawest form, emotions are neither good nor bad; they simply are. In fact, according to research by Harvard brain scientist, Dr Jill Bolte, the chemical cascade of an emotional surge through your body lasts for around 90 seconds. What remains after that is the cognitive associations and interpretations you make (i.e., stories that you tell yourself). So, what causes people to get trapped in cycles of emotional repression or suppression?

Well, sorry for going too psychoanalyst-y here, but it unfortunately does stem from childhood. As children, we are born equipped to feel the entire spectrum of emotions. Unfortunately, the associations we make about emotions are based on the messages we receive from the outside world as we grow up, and what is modelled to us by our caregivers. Additionally, some children will experience the presence of emotions in their bodies more intensely than others (i.e., be more emotionally sensitive). Furthermore, children with higher levels of the trait empathy will also be more vulnerable to the emotional experiences of others.

As such, when children grow up in a supportive environment, they learn that they can experience a wide spectrum of emotions, they can appropriately express their emotions, label their emotions, and know how to “sit with” these emotions. Consequently, children in supportive home environments tend to form positive associations with all emotional experiences which, in turn, fosters healthy emotional expression that is intentional, appropriate, and controlled.

Conversely, when children are shunned, shamed, teased, or ridiculed for showing emotion, they tend to learn to avoid their emotional experiences. To them, emotions are either shameful or painful. They have learnt that showing emotion leaves them vulnerable to attacks from the outside world. Similarly, when children experience a lot of emotional trauma caused by an emotionally dysregulated, volatile, unstable, or reactive caregiver, they tend to associate emotions with fear. Moreover, as they grow older they tend to develop resentment and shame towards the emotionally unstable caregiver. Consequently, as adults, these children will then see emotional instability as a weakness. They will be repulsed by those who cannot “control” their emotions, or show any negative emotion for “too long”. Additionally, as adults, they will avoid showing any emotion themselves for they have associated crying as weakness, just as they saw their caregiver as weak.

The costs associated with emotional repression/suppression are significant. Here are just a few that come to mind:

• Experiencing difficulty in personal relationships due to resentment, frustration, and irritations that manifest
• Chronic periods of depression, anxiety, obsessive and/or addictivebehaviours
• Loneliness — feeling disconnected from yourself and others
• Development of a negative self-concept, which leaves you riddled with shame, guilt, and self-criticism
• Burnout, due to the sheer amount of energy it takes to control emotional experiences all the time
• Decreased resilience due to difficulty in bouncing back from significant emotional experiences — these difficult experiences just “add” to the already full tin of worms
• Lack of direction in life, as you are not sure who you are and what truly matters to you
• Difficulty in making decisions for yourself, even though you are great at helping others make decisions
• Lack of compassion towards yourself and the emotional experiences of others
• Avoidance of social and/or emotional support

Allowing yourself to experience your emotions as they arise is crucial if you are planning on living an intentional, meaningful, and purpose-driven life. You do not need permission from anyone to feel the way you do. There is no right or wrong feeling! Read that again. There is only curiosity around the emotions that come up for you. I always say, emotions are like the indicators on your dashboard, they tell you what is going on, when something needs attention, or when all is good. Embarking on a journey towards better emotional connection will only leave you with more clarity, connection, confidence, and compassion.

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