How to have more emotional control
Small steps can go a really long way
In therapy, clients will frequently ask me, “How to I control my anger?” or “How do I get rid of my anxiety?” or “How I can I manage my emotions better?”. The short unpopular answer is, before you can “manage” them, you first have to allow them. I say “manage” because emotions are like little children, you can try and control them to some extent, but they come with their own will. The more you try and control a child, similar with emotions, the more damage you cause in the long-run.
When you try to avoid your negative emotions, you are teaching your brain and body that those emotions are wrong or dangerous and should be avoided. By doing this, you are just making your emotional experiences more intense. More importantly, these emotions will come up for you more frequently and when you least expect them. For example, whenever you feel sad, you try to distract yourself with Instagram, tidying the house, or having a drink. So, your brain registers feeling sad as not a good thing. Then, next time you feel sad, you will end up feeling bad for feeling sad. Now you are sitting with guilt and sadness! This suppressed sadness will then show up randomly when it gets a chance. For example, you take a walk outside and you see a beautiful sunset and all of a sudden you start to get teary. Not knowing where this is coming from.
Even though avoiding your emotions like this will cause temporary relief, it will cause long-term emotional instability. So, how do you get better at regulating and exerting some level of control over your emotions?
Here is an effective strategy that I often share with my own clients.
Firstly, you have to acknowledge the emotion. Become aware of your emotional experiences and when those uncomfortable emotions show up, whether this is sadness, anger, grief, or anxiety. Just allow the emotion to sit in your body. Notice it. become aware of it. Don’t push it away or start evaluating it such as questioning why you are feeling this way, what may have caused it, why are you feeling this again? All those interactive, evaluative questioning. Hold it for now. Just FEEL the feelings! Ok?
Secondly, now you label the emotion. The more specific you can be in labelling the emotion the better. For example, anger has many cousins, like annoyance, irritability, jealousy, resentment, or frustration. There are several helpful “emotion wheels” online if you lack the vocabulary for what you are feeling such as, this one, or this one. However, do try and keep it brief and use the most basic language you can. For example, you come home after a very stressful day at the office where two of your biggest clients pulled out. So, when you come home, your partner may ask, what’s wrong? You may say, “Oh, I’m just really stressed about work today.” Instead, just say, “I’m afraid. I’m afraid that the business might not make it.”
Thirdly, normalize through self-compassion. Yes, there is that word again, “compassion”! Showing yourself compassion does not mean be naïve about our feelings and engage in some useless positive thinking by telling yourself everything will be ok. By doing that you are actually INVALIDATING your emotions! Showing compassion is by acknowledging how you are feeling, allowing yourself to feel it, and reminding you that it is normal and ok to feel what you are feeling given the circumstances. Don’t start to come up with a list of reasons of how you should be feeling instead. Just because you are feeling bad, does not make you bad or the feeling bad. It is normal, and remind yourself of that.
Lastly, ask what you need. In that moment, your emotional experience most likely will not just disappear. So, ask yourself what you need in that moment that will make you feel better, or help you to better cope. Do you need to talk to a friend? Perhaps go for a walk? Doing something AFTER you have validated your emotions is a good thing. However, doing something BEFORE you have validated your emotions, as a way of avoiding or escaping them, is not good. Don’t judge your emotions. For example, all of a sudden you start to get teary and sad about your grandmother who passed away several years ago. Don’t tell yourself you should be over it by now and that it is irrational for you to feel this way. No! You wouldn’t tell a child that, why would you tell yourself that? Be kind, compassionate and the emotion will leave you. I promise!! The emotion will not stay, unless you cling onto it. by validating it, giving it space, labelling it, and sitting with it.. it tends to leave.
How do you tend to cope with emotional experiences when things get too much? What have you found to be useful? I’d love to know! If you’ve found this helpful, please share with anyone you may think will benefit. Catch you in my next article!
