Why You Struggle To Ask For Help

“Asking for help isn’t giving up, it is refusing to give up.”
– Charlie Mackesy

I have lost count of how many people actually struggle to ask for help. Even those who have an emotional IQ equivalent to that of Einstein’s right-brain counterpart, asking for help seems to be a struggle for most. But why?

I have delved deeply into the reasons behind this ever since I realised that I was one of those people — someone who found it almost impossible to ask for help. I would face every challenge alone, simply assuming that this was how life was supposed to be. You know the rationale: “We should not rely on others,” “Everyone has their own problems,” “This is just another thing to deal with.” But through personal growth and a bit of hard-earned wisdom, I came to understand something profound: you do not have to go through life alone.

In fact, if you do, you will limit yourself. No one ever reaches success on their own, nor does anyone live a deeply fulfilling life without connection. We all know that having close, meaningful relationships with others is the key to living a happy, fulfilled life. However, people fail to ever feel truly connected to you if you never ask for help. You come across as this “perfect” and people know no one is perfect. So, there goes trust. Yes! Trust in relationships is not built on supporting others, it is built from asking for it! By you allowing others to support you, helps them foster a trusting relationship with you. Bizarre, right?

So, why do we struggle so much with something so essential to our happiness?

First, it is undeniably uncomfortable. If you have ever found yourself in a position where you wanted to reach out and ask for help, you will know that your brain does this thing where it comes up with the most convincing (yet, ridiculous at times) narratives of why you should rather not ask for help.

Then there is the belief that asking for help is “weak” or downright pathetic. This feeling is especially prevalent among high-functioning, driven perfectionists who have convinced themselves that seeking help equates to failure. Why? Because of that deep-seated belief that they should be able to do it all — overcome anything, solo.

And let us not forget the independence factor. For those who hold independence as a sacred, even admirable, trait, reaching out for help feels almost humiliating. The notion that asking for help might somehow strip away their autonomy is laughably irrational but deeply ingrained. These independent souls often worry that asking for help will make them appear less capable in the eyes of others — as though seeking assistance could somehow erase their independence. And this is often compounded by the irrational fear that asking for help means dumping your problems on someone else.

Ironically, this belief usually stems from being the person who feels responsible for “fixing” others’ problems when they seek help. So, when you consider asking for assistance, you project that same expectation onto others, assuming they will feel obligated to solve your issues — even when you do not want them to.

Arguably, one of the biggest barriers to asking for help is because, somewhere in your childhood, you were shamed for feeling a certain way or made to feel like a burden to others. Maybe you were made to feel stupid for not “having it together”, or even reprimanded for showing emotion (i.e., crying because you were upset or angry). If negative emotions were rejected or deemed inappropriate, you likely learned to associate your needs with being too much for others to handle.

Similarly, if you were made to feel guilty for basic needs — being told you were an expense, a time drain, or the reason a parent had to sacrifice their career or hobbies — then you likely internalized the belief that “I am a burden.” And this fear of being a burden still lingers, making you hesitant to ask for help, terrified of triggering the same emotional rejection you once experienced.

That said, your childhood need not have sucked to instil this fear. The same struggle can arise if you were raised in a household where mom, dad, or both parents were high achievers — people who, in your eyes, never showed cracks in their flawless facade. They seemed like unstoppable machines, rarely asking for help, never expressing too much emotion, and handling life with superhuman ease. Growing up with such role models can leave you feeling that if you were to ever ask for help, it would be an undeniable sign of weakness or inadequacy.

Nevertheless, regardless of the reasons behind our resistance to asking for help, when we choose not to turn to others in times of need, we are not only isolating ourselves, but we are robbing others of the beautiful opportunity to support us. We all know how deeply meaningful it is to be there for someone else, to offer comfort, support, or connection. So why on earth would we deny someone else the chance to experience that? By refusing to ask for help, we take away this gift from others. In a way, is that not more selfish than selfless? To withhold an opportunity for connection and trust simply because we fear being a burden?

In the end, perhaps our real strength lies not in our ability to carry the weight alone, but in our willingness to share it. When we dare to ask for help, we unlock a deeper connection with others, giving them permission to be human too. Maybe the question we should be asking is not “Why is it so hard to ask for help?” but rather, “Why are we holding ourselves back from being loved?”

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