To Be Seen: The Art and Risk of Vulnerability

“Vulnerability is having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” — Brené Brown

The word “vulnerability” has become quite the buzzword of late, has it not? In organisations, leaders are encouraged to “be more vulnerable.” In relationships, partners are urged to open up and embrace vulnerability. In friendships, it is marketed as the magic ingredient for deep, meaningful connections. However, as with most matters concerning the human psyche, it is not that simple.

Vulnerability is very much context and person-dependent. It is not a one-size-fits-all strategy. Being vulnerable all the time, regardless of the situation you are in? Not exactly a winning approach me thinks. What about never being vulnerable?Now that is an equally problematic path and likely to lead to far more harm than good.

Unpacking Vulnerability

Vulnerability, to me, is the glue of authentic relationships — those built on truth rather than appearances, status, reputation, or convenience. Brené Brown beautifully defines it as sharing what you truly think and feel in the face of possible rejection, judgement, or shame. It involves revealing something that is so inherently attached to your sense of self (often something you might even judge yourself for) and offering it to another person.

Undoubtedly, being vulnerable is associated with a sense of discomfort, as you are already projecting an expectation of possible rejection, disapproval, or judgement from the other. However, the way in which the other person responds is the litmus test for whether they are a vulnerability shield or a vulnerability arrow. In other words, are they someone who will be able to hold that vulnerability safe, or does the vulnerability leave them coming back at you with judgement, criticism, invalidation, or even belittlement (i.e., name-calling)?

At some point, you will share something deeply personal, and the response may sting. Do not let this discourage you from showing vulnerability again! Some people amplify your shame instead of holding space for your pain. You might have heard phrases like, “Oh, that is bad” or “You poor thing”, “You really should not feel that way”, “Surely you know better?”, “Shame, you really can be quite emotional”, or even the dreaded, “I told you so”. Such responses add weight to the burden you were trying to release. What happens then? Many of us retreat. We change the subject, become defensive, or even agree with the other person — anything to escape that sinking feeling of regret for having opened up in the first place.

Approach With Great Discernment

Not everyone deserves to hold your vulnerability (read that again). It is a sacred, deeply personal territory where trust must be earned — not assumed. The same rule applies in reverse, you do not have an automatic right to someone else’s vulnerability. You must prove yourself trustworthy, show up, and protect their truth, even when it is uncomfortable or inconvenient.

Most of us have experienced that gut-wrenching betrayal of having our vulnerabilities weaponised during a moment of conflict. While this is a painful lesson, it reflects far more about the other person’s character than your own.

Vulnerability is not about spilling every thought or feeling to everyone, all the time. Context matters. For instance, passengers do not want a pilot to confess mid-flight that they are struggling with in their marriage and having a really bad day. Similarly, in leadership, people expect stability and reassurance. This does not mean leaders should be robotic or inauthentic and lie, it means they must exercise discernment, balancing openness with responsibility. What is fair to the other?

It is important to remember that even trusted vulnerability shields will occasionally fall short. They are human, after all. When this happens, a foundation of trust allows you to address the issue together and move through the discomfort with grace and understanding.

In a world where the need to be seen and heard is universal, choose wisely who you share your truths with. If you have not yet found someone who can hold your vulnerabilities with care, therapy can be a great place to start — a space where vulnerability is met with respect and safety. In fact, it is celebrated! Through this process, you may uncover hidden strengths and a deeper, more empowered version of yourself.

Ultimately, vulnerability is not about oversharing or seeking validation from others. It is about honouring your truths, embracing your complexity, and connecting with those who genuinely deserve to hold your trust.

If you liked this article, let me know by giving it a clap or drop me a comment below. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Medium, or join my weekly Newsletter, Lessons from the Couch — where I share nuggets of wisdom, psychological research, personal insights and lessons straight from my therapy couch.