The Price of Approval: The Deeper Reasons Why You People-Please
“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself” — Paulo Coelho
Lately, I have been reflecting deeply on the pervasive nature of people-pleasing. Time and time again, I hear clients say with frustration, “I hate that I’m such a people-pleaser!” It is an admission often laced with exhaustion, shame, and a sense of helplessness.
Now, let’s be honest — most of us can identify a people-pleaser when we spot one. In fact, you will be more likely to notice other people-pleasers if you happen to fall prey to the same behaviour. However, what most people get wrong is the idea or concept of what a people-pleaser really is.
People-pleasing is often misunderstood as someone who portrays themselves as being meek, overly compliant, or lacking strong opinions. However, this could not be further from the truth. Many people-pleasers hold powerful leadership positions, make bold decisions, and appear highly confident in professional settings. They are often seen as decisive, articulate, and capable. Yet, when it comes to people in their lives, who are likely to have an emotional impact on them (e.g., partners, family, close friends, supervisor, manager, boss), they slip into self-silencing. Their ability to assert themselves in the boardroom does not always reflect their capabilities in their emotional lives, where the fear of disappointing or upsetting those who matter overrides their usual confidence.
At its core, people-pleasing is a form of self-abandonment — a learned coping mechanism rooted in the need for acceptance, love, and safety. It is the act of suppressing your own needs, emotions, and values to accommodate others. It is the quiet betrayal of one’s self, where personal integrity and well-being are sacrificed in exchange for validation, approval, love, or, more often than not, a sense of safety. In essence, it is the act of living by someone else’s expectations at the expense of your own authenticity.
The repercussions of self-abandonment are profound. It often manifests in depression, anxiety, addictions, self-doubt, loneliness, social withdrawal, relationship dissatisfaction, career confusion, and an overarching sense of emptiness. The scariest part? Many people go through life never truly having learnt how to step out of this role and create the life they want.
Where does people-pleasing come from? More often than not, it is a behaviour deeply ingrained in childhood. As children, people-pleasers learned that keeping a parent or caregiver happy ensured their emotional and physical safety. Suppressing their true thoughts and feelings became a survival strategy — one that secured love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging. But what once served as protection in childhood now works against them in adulthood, leading to self-silencing, resentment, and a loss of identity.
The question is: How does this pattern continue to harm you today?
Conflict Avoider
People-pleasers often equate conflict with rejection, so they do whatever it takes to keep the waters calm — even if it means silencing themselves. The problem is, avoiding conflict doesn’t actually resolve anything; it just buries the discomfort deeper. When you consistently sidestep difficult conversations, you reinforce the belief that your needs, thoughts, and emotions are secondary to maintaining harmony. But here’s the reality: true peace isn’t the absence of conflict — it’s the presence of honesty. By dodging difficult discussions, you slowly erode your own sense of self, conditioning yourself to believe that your voice is a liability rather than a right. And the irony? The very relationships you work so hard to protect often suffer because avoidance creates unspoken resentment, misunderstandings, and emotional distance.
Fear-Based Compliance
At the heart of people-pleasing is a deep-rooted fear: the fear of disappointing, upsetting, or being rejected by others. This is where fear-based compliance takes over, where decisions are made not because they align with your values or desires, but because you are trying to manage someone else’s reaction.
It’s not just about saying “yes” when you want to say “no”, it’s about shaping yourself into whatever version of you feels most acceptable to others. Over time, this erodes your confidence, making you doubt your own instincts and desires. Hells! You might just find yourself gaslighting yourself!! The more you comply out of fear, the more you prove to yourself that your worth is conditional — only as valuable as the approval and acceptance you receive from others. And that is a dangerous trade-off because the more you shrink yourself to accommodate others, the further you drift from who you actually are.
Zero or Blurry Boundaries
Because those who self-abandon are always trying to ensure their own emotional safety, they fail to be assertive within relationships. Assertiveness does not mean you have to act like a poophead, it just means you can voice in a respectful manner what your opinions are, what needs you have, and what your boundaries are. According to the literature, assertiveness means “the ability to speak and interact in a manner that considers and respects the rights and opinions of others while also standing up for your rights, needs, and personal boundaries” (Pipas & Jaradat, 2010, p. 649).
However, the interesting thing is that when people-pleasers start to learn how to become more assertive and set boundaries, they often blurt out their boundaries and it hits the other like a misaimed frisbee at a picnic — unexpected and painful. Others may then experience them as being abrupt, rude, harsh, cold, hurtful, or even disrespectful. However, with guidance, kindness, and persistence, self-abandoners get it right! They slowly learn that they can be assertive in a polite, respectful, and calm manner. They do not need to be aggressive or loud to assert themselves. They also learn that they are not responsible for the emotional reaction of the other, and therefore, does not need to “fix” the emotional reaction of the other.
No Strong Sense of Self
It is not hard to imagine that when you move through life constantly prioritising the needs and expectations of others over your own, you begin to lose yourself. In your effort to maintain harmony and avoid conflict, you silence your own inner voice, suppressing your true feelings, values, and desires. You become skilled at fulfilling roles and obligations, but amidst the constant demands of others, you start to lose sight of your own worth and authenticity.
Over time, you may no longer even recognise who you are. Each act of self-sacrifice chips away at your sense of self, leaving you feeling hollow and disconnected. You find yourself relying on external validation, seeking approval, and trying to fill the emptiness with work, exercise, food, alcohol, socialising — whatever offers a temporary escape. But these behaviours only pull you further away from yourself, keeping you stuck in a cycle of self-neglect. And in the quiet moments, you may feel the weight of that emptiness, longing to rediscover who you truly are beneath the layers of years spent putting others first.
Attracts Harmful, Manipulative Personalities
People-pleasers are like magnets for those who thrive on control and manipulation. When you constantly prioritise others’ needs over your own, you send an unspoken message: “I will sacrifice my boundaries to keep you happy”. Manipulative personalities pick up on this quickly and exploit it, knowing that you will bend, accommodate, and second-guess yourself to avoid conflict or rejection. Whether it is a toxic friend, a demanding boss, or a controlling partner, these individuals instinctively latch onto those who struggle to assert themselves. They push against your boundaries, test your compliance, and slowly condition you to accept less and less in return.
And because people-pleasers often blame themselves when things go wrong, they stay stuck in these cycles, believing they just need to try harder, be better, or give more. But the truth is, no amount of self-abandonment will ever be enough for someone who benefits from your silence. Breaking free starts with recognising that your kindness is not the problem — your lack of boundaries is!
In a nutshell, people-pleasing keeps you trapped in a life that is not truly yours, shaping your choices around the comfort of others while slowly eroding your own. Only when you start living with integrity — honouring your needs, values, and voice — does your life truly begin. The moment you stop seeking permission to be yourself is the moment you become unstoppable. If this speaks to you, let me know, I would love to hear from you! Also, send me smiley faces if you would like me to write about how to break free from this cycle.
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