The Costs of Self Improvement
“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” — Rick Warren
I find it hard to imagine anyone not recognising the immense benefits that a journey of self-improvement can bring to one’s life. Embarking on a journey of self-improvement is undeniably the most valuable gift you can give yourself. It is a transformative journey that promises not just growth, but a deeper connection with your true self.
Arguably, one of the most effective ways to achieve self-mastery and gain a deeper understanding of yourself is through psychotherapy. A brief review of the scientific literature highlights a shred of substantial evidence supporting the benefits of psychotherapy. However, the costs associated with this path are less frequently discussed. Like most worthwhile endeavours, psychotherapy involves trade-offs. As a psychologist, I have become keenly aware of these costs through both my professional and personal experiences. Here, I outline some of the common costs of embarking on a journey of self-improvement through psychotherapy.
1. An Overwhelming Internal Focus
Embarking on a therapeutic journey will mean you will start to — or continue to — develop a higher sense of self-awareness. You will learn to notice your feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. This internal focus will escalate over time and may become overwhelming, especially as you start to recognise patterns in your thinking and doing. Even though these identified patterns are golden nuggets for therapy to elicit change and a deeper understanding of oneself, the identification itself can become a pattern. It is important to address this in therapy when you find yourself doing this. Often the constant introspection can become an escape from addressing the underlying emotions that are sitting with you or you may be avoiding actually facing that white elephant in your life. Mindfulness is great in this regard, as is spending time with others and doing pleasurable, yet boring, activities. It helps you get out of your head.
2. You Cannot Unsee Things
To achieve a heightened level of self-awareness, the process of therapy compels you to see things as they truly are. It forces you to remove those rose-coloured glasses you have been wearing and confront reality without the filters of denial, deception, or distortion. Often, we rely on these coping mechanisms to navigate difficult situations or to maintain an idealised image of ourselves or our loved ones because facing the truth can be too painful.
In therapy, you will be faced with truths about your personal relationships and you will gain insights that can be deeply hurtful. Once you make these realisations, there is no turning back. Accepting these truths about others and yourself can be a profound and painful process. As I always say, the toughest part of therapy is not discovering who you are — it is accepting that which you find.
3. Old Ways of Coping No Longer Work
As you progress through therapy, you will get a better understanding of your maladaptive coping mechanisms or defense strategies — those cognitive strategies you have adopted as a child or adolescent which helped you cope and navigate life. These strategies served you well at one point, but over time, they became long-term and maladaptive.
Once you identify these strategies and replace them with healthier ones, you will no longer be able to escape the suppressed pain, anger, sadness, or other emotions they helped you avoid. You can no longer rely on projection, denial, suppression, sublimation, or regression to manage your emotional states. You will need to confront these deeply uncomfortable emotions in their raw state. It can leave you feeling a bit “out of control”, almost like trying to juggle water balloons whilst walking on a sandy beach.
4. A Fear of Going Back to Square One
After witnessing your own progress and experiencing the growth through therapy, you may fear that stopping your therapeutic journey will lead you back to where you started. You may fear falling back into old behavioural patterns, losing the trust you have developed in yourself, and ceasing to grow, learn, and progress. This fear is particularly strong in those who score high on conscientiousness, as they are motivated by progress and fear decline.
It is important to remember that therapy is a marathon, requiring periods of intense work and then longer rest and recovery. Our “old patterns” of behaviour are still wired in our brains and may be triggered. This is normal. You cannot control this, but you can control your response to these triggers. Falling back into old patterns does not mean you have failed; it simply indicates that some work is needed to get you back to square #2.
5. Therapy Can Be Emotionally Exhausting
Therapy can sometimes be emotionally exhausting. Engaging deeply with your emotions and past experiences can take a significant toll on your energy levels. Working through childhood trauma, for example, can send your central nervous system into fight-or-flight mode. Additionally, the process of self-reflection and working through challenging issues can take a toll on one’s mental and emotional energy.
This emotional work can often also lead to feelings of profound physical exhaustion. You might find yourself struggling with fatigue during the process. Even though this is a normal and expected part of the process, it can still be challenging to balance this with daily life, responsibilities, commitments, and goals.
Acknowledging these trade-offs and approaching them with self-compassion is crucial. It is important to recognise that these difficulties are part of your journey towards self mastery. Give yourself permission to rest and recuperate, to have fun, to just human a bit, to understand that moments of tiredness are temporary and will eventually subside. Remind yourself that, as with anything worthwhile in life, progress in therapy will not come easy, but the personal growth and richness that you will experience will be invaluable and immeasurable.
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