Stuck in Bad Patterns? When You Are Your Biggest Roadblock
“Without change, something sleeps inside us and seldom awakens.” — Frank Herbert
One of the foremost reasons people enter psychotherapy is because they want to change something. More often than not, it is because they themselves feel stuck. It is like they find themselves unable to move forward with their shoes glued to the ground — no matter how much they want to move forward, they just cannot seem to do so. We have all been there, stuck in the same self-destructive loops, fully aware that they are no good for us. We tell ourselves we want to think differently, act differently, be different, and yet… there is always that infuriating “yet”. Either we cannot get started, or once we do, we struggle to stick to the path. So, what gives?
If you dive headfirst into the psychology and neuroscience literature, you will find endless theories and postulations on why change is so elusive. From ingrained bad habits to unprocessed childhood trauma, undiagnosed ADHD, personality quirks, and/or a vague sense of purpose that lacks a clear “why” — there really is no shortage of explanations. And sure, all of these have their merits. But from my own experience as a psychotherapist, I believe that there is one often-overlooked roadblock standing between people and their goals — permission. Yes, you read that right. Permission. Let me explain…
More often than not, when someone cannot seem to make those crucial life changes, it is not because they are clueless about what needs to be done. More often than not, people know exactly what they should be doing to move forward. The problem is, they cannot seem to get themselves to actually do it. And why? Because, deep down, they do not believe they have the permission to change.
The need for permission is often an internalised mental model from childhood or adolescence. During those formative years, you were dependent on your caregivers for survival (i.e., food, housing, love, affection, etc.). As such, you would have internalised the “voice” of some external figure, often manifesting as a stern inner voice — think of a drill sergeant or that annoying inner critic. This internalised voice is extremely conditional. If you do “X”, you will be safe. For example, if you behave in a certain way, then your caregiver loves you and shows positive emotion towards you. However, when you disobey them, love is withheld and you are punished. Even though this internalised voice may have kept you safe and helped them cope during a very vulnerable period in your life, people often never let go of that voice. Consequently, as adults, they still carry with them that internalised voice, listening to it, waiting for its approval.
As a result, people tend to still seek outside approval. They subconsciously wait for some external figure to grant them permission to pursue what they already know is the right course of action. This is why so many people seek out therapists, life coaches, or other professionals — not necessarily for advice, but to receive the elusive validation that it is “okay” to make the change. A lack of permission is also often fuelled by a fear of doing the wrong thing. Disappointing others. Upsetting others. When survival and safety hinged on following orders — obedience equalled protection. Now, as adults, people often continue to live by this outdated rule, even though it no longer serves them and is, in fact, harming them.
Take, for example, someone trapped in a toxic relationship but unable to leave, or someone working themselves to the bone despite knowing it is burning them out. Or someone sticking in a career they hate because others praise them for it. Or a simple thing like a person not allowing themselves to celebrate their achievements. Or a person beating themselves up with a stringent workout regime, knowing they will make more progress with more rest. Or someone knowing they need alone time, but afraid to ask for it. But despite recognising the emotional and physical toll these situations are taking, they cannot seem to allow themselves to make the desired change. It is as if they are punishing themselves. People will come with a thousand seemingly “valid” reasons as to why they cannot do the thing they want to do. This is, in fact, the reasoning of the internalised voice, not their own!
In these situations, learning to give yourself permission to change can be nothing short of revolutionary. Sure, in the beginning, it can crank up the anxiety levels. There is a palpable fear of doing that “other thing,” the “forbidden thing.” But when you lean into that fear, you begin to realise that nothing catastrophic happened — you are still safe. In fact, you feel the benefits of doing that which you know is good for you. You start to live in alignment and integrity with your true self. It is through this revelation that you start to build a deeper sense of self-trust. By obeying your own needs and aspirations, you start to gain inner confidence–an internal sense of knowing. And over time, those self-sabotaging behaviours that once seemed so stubbornly ingrained begin to fade away, almost effortlessly.
So, if you ever find yourself stuck, instead of buying yet another self-help book on overcoming procrastination, or building better habits, rather ask yourself the question: “Have I given myself permission to do this?”. It might just be the most powerful — and liberating — thing you will ever do for yourself.
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