Purpose: Why It Keeps Evading You
“Through our souls, we always come back to each other to complete a purpose with one another “ — Mitta Xinindlu
From a very young age, we are made to believe that we are placed on this earth for some unique predetermined purpose and that our biggest, most important quest in life is to discover this purpose. Additionally, once you find your purpose, it becomes the thing that you dedicate your life to. It is even evidenced by a quote from Mark Twain:
“The two most important days in life are the day you born and the day you discover the reason why.”
No pressure, right?
I do believe that this conceptualisation of purpose is not only inaccurate, but largely detrimental to people actuallyfinding purpose in their lives. Why do I say this? Well, let me try explain without turning this into another mini thesis…
As we grow up and progress through school, life is pretty much pre-determined. The direction in which we should be heading is laid out before us by external factors. From primary school (elementary) we progressively navigate through grades 1, 2, 3, all the way to 12. Once we bid adieu to the confines of school, we are thrust into another preset route: university, college, or some other tertiary education track. Alternatively, we decide to take a detour into the mystery of gap years or dabble in the fine art of doing frivolous jobs. But alas, there comes a time when this preset pathway dries up, leaving us stranded in the desert of existential crisis. Suddenly, we are faced with the daunting task of creating our own roadmap: the perfect condition for an existential sh** storm to erupt!
Very few young people graduate from school or university with a very clear idea of what they want to do, or what their purpose is. In fact, I’d argue that most end up graduating into limbo, feeling lost in a sea of uncertainty.
So, what do we tell young adults, and all other adults, going forward? Find your purpose and you will find your freedom, direction, and happiness! What is even better, no one will force anything onto you, the world is your oyster and the sky is the limit! Added to this unrealistic pressure, we advocate for people to be authentic. You should turn inwards and find your true self! The self that has yet to form. Finally, all this existential pressure is topped with a big dollop of autonomy. Create your own path! It is up to you to define your own values and decide what is right for you. Just go out and do what you love!
All this existential, purpose-driven life advice sounds really lovely and idealistic, but it is exactly that — idealistic not realistic. Moreover, the pursuit of purpose has become increasingly individualistic, and that, I believe is the biggest flaw of all. The more individualistic we become, the more elusive our purpose will be.
Why? Because we will never find our purpose in ourselves, we find it in others. Even if you think your purpose is to become the richest person on the planet, most likely so that you want to feel superior to others. It still entails, others! Pursuing wealth when you are alone seems like a pretty darn meaningless endeavour. Now, having financial wealth as one of your core values might not be the most growth-promoting value (but hey, let’s not judge there), however, even if one of your core values is compassion or kindness. How can you live out these values in isolation? How can life ever feel meaningful in isolation? Yet, despite this, the societal message keeps being one of “me, me, me”!
When people have fallen into this meaningless pit, it often manifests itself in symptoms of depression, burnout, anxiety, interpersonal difficulties, and/or addictive behaviours. It is only once you start digging past the surface-level symptoms that you uncover that underneath it all lies emptiness, meaninglessness, and an inexplicable “stuckness”, where life seems entirely directionless, almost like a formless desert.
Purpose is not a thing, and it is also not just ONE thing. Purpose is unfixed, ever-changing. Almost transformative, both in transforming who you are as a person and transformative in what it entails. Purpose is NOT WHAT you do, it is the MEANING you attach to what you do. Instead of asking yourself, “What do I want to do?”, ask yourself, “What gives meaning to my life?” and then find something to do that will provide that meaning. Here I find resonance with the famous words by Nietzsche, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how”, a quote that strongly resembles the work of psychiatrist Victor Frankl in Man’s Search For Meaning.
So, how do we go about finding meaning?
To identify those aspects in your life that give you meaning, you have to start by looking at what matters to you — what you give a toot about. If you have to be really honest with yourself, every person can find ONE thing that matters to them. These matter-worthy-things can then be translated into values. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, your values are your guiding principles throughout life. Without them, you absorb the values of others, and ultimately, live a life of someone else’s design. Values inherently provide you with meaning.
For example, if generosity is a core value of yours, then using your skills and talents to give to others is bound to fill you with meaning and, in turn, a sense of purpose. Similarly, if leadership is one of your top values and you consciously find work that places you in a leadership position, you will be actively living out your values and this, as evidenced by research, will result in you experiencing a more meaningful life. Additionally, if you are not yet able to pursue your dream career. Adhering to your values will pave the path towards that goal. For instance, imagine you are in a job that does not particularly excite you, yet it provides you with a good income and enables you to be generous. Aligning your actions with your values infuses significance into even the most mundane of tasks.
It is crucial to understand that pursuing meaningful work does not always entail constant love for what you do. Another huge misconception around purpose! Sometimes, living your purpose can suck balloons, yet you persist because you cannot fathom life without it. Remember, values change over time, they evolve as you evolve, and so will that which gives you meaning in life and, ultimately, your purpose.
The key take-away is that purpose does not exist as some single destined gift that has been bestowed onto you and which you need to dedicate your entire existence to discovering. Purpose means meaning, and meaning means others. So, if you want to find purpose, then start by looking outwards instead of inwards.
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