Lost In Self-Denial: How We Keep Ourselves Stuck And Disconnected

“People who believe that they are strong-willed and the masters of their destiny can only continue to believe this by becoming specialists in self-deception.”
― James Baldwin

Over the past two weeks, I have taken you on this journey of understanding how your seemingly psychological symptoms can often be indicators of an existential crisis, rather than because of some underlying biological dysfunction. I have also unpacked key reasons why we often stray from our true selves, and today, I want to take you deeper into how we can move forward — toward living a life that aligns with our authentic self.

One reason we so often lose our way is because we lie to ourselves, even though, deep down, we know the truth. In psychology, this is generally referred to as self-denial, which tends to be a conscious act even though it may feel very unconscious. With self-denial, we have become so accustomed to telling ourselves the same lies that they start to feel unconscious. Self-denial often gets confused for self-deception, and even though both concepts are mechanisms we use to avoid confronting uncomfortable truths, they differ operationally in an important way.

In self-deception, the person is unaware of the lies — they truly believe in a distorted version of reality, often unconsciously. They may suppress facts or twist information to maintain their flawed perspective. This process helps them protect their ego or maintain emotional stability, even when their beliefs do not reflect the truth. For instance, someone may genuinely believe they are an excellent communicator, despite repeated feedback to the contrary.

Self-denial, on the other hand, is much more conscious. The person knows the truth but actively chooses to ignore or avoid it. They suppress emotions, facts, or desires to escape the discomfort these truths might bring. Unlike self-deception, where awareness is absent, in self-denial, it is present — but ignored. For example, someone may recognise they have a drinking problem but refuse to confront it, continuing as if nothing is wrong. In short, self-deception is believing a lie, while self-denial is knowing the truth but refusing to face it.

Beyond the lies we tell ourselves, we also lose direction from our true path because of misplaced hope. We hope that things will somehow work out, even when we know we are on the wrong path. We convince ourselves that working harder at something, which is evidently so misaligned with who we are, will magically lead to success. Sadly, this only prolongs our lostness. To move forward and realign with our true selves, we must confront both the lies we tell ourselves and the misplaced hope we cling to.

Now, I understand — letting go of hope may sound harsh, even cruel. Hope is a powerful force, often the only thing that a person has. It can spark incredible accomplishments. But when our hope is misaligned with our inner truth, it creates conflict. Think of someone stuck in an abusive relationship, hoping this time things will magically improve. Or someone who knows they are with the wrong partner but believes if they just try hard enough, they will somehow morph into “the one” (spoiler: they won’t). Similarly, someone might take on a fancy job title, hoping they will eventually “grow into it,” even though it is clear that the role fits about as well as a pair of jeans post-holiday season. In these cases, hope is more harmful than helpful.

When we cling to misplaced hope, we distance ourselves from reality and step right into self-denial. Now, self-denial as a psychological defense, is not inherently negative — it can help us cope with truly overwhelming emotions. Making use of denial does not mean you are weak, unintelligent, or damaged. It simply means you are human. Often, our denial operates involuntarily, we do it automatically. Think of someone with a clear addiction who reassures themselves and others, “I am not addicted because I know I can stop anytime”. The key is to recognise when our self-denial is trapping us.

So, how on earth do you begin to identify your self-denials? You poke at the things, topics, people, experiences, or situations that you tend to avoid thinking about. Let us call these your “red zones”. These red zones bring up frustration and irritation when people enquire about it. They are the things you least want to know about and generally fill you with great discomfort, restlessness, and unease. However, identifying these and working through them is the only way to back to your true self. It is the foundational step towards stepping into alignment with yourself.

We all tend to have more than one red zone, the key is to tackle them one by one. Start by working through self-denials that are not too emotionally distressing, ones that are scary but not terrifying. Working through any deeply distressing red zones will often require the assistance of outside support such as a trained professional.

So, right here, right now, I want to help you work through one of those red zones together. To get started, just grab a pen and paper, or even a note app on your phone. Here we go…

Choose something you have been lying to yourself about — something you have denied acknowledging. This is your red zone. Write it down.

Now, it is to be expected that once you have identified the red zone you want to work through, you will want to distract yourself. Why? Well, darling, this is because it is the exact thing that you have been doing up to now! You have successfully, involuntarily avoided it. However, if you want to move past feeling lost, stuck, and unmoored, then try to push through any distractions.

Return to your red zone and bring it back into your awareness. Now, with that in mind, write down your answers to the following questions:

• What is it about X that I do not want to see?
• What is it about X that I am most afraid to acknowledge?
• What is it about X that I do not want others to know?
• If others were to know about X, what am I afraid of?
• If I had to acknowledge the truth of X, what impact would it have on my life?

Well done! You have honestly taken a first step toward facing something uncomfortable which you have been avoiding. Confronting self-denial may seem small, but it can lead to profound changes in life. Once you become aware of what you have been denying yourself, you begin to see the forest from the trees. You gain clarity on what needs to be accepted or changed in order to live a life that is truly aligned with who you are.

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