Individuality: The Narcissus Flower of Our Time
“Loneliness, in all its pressures, possesses two oppressive dangers: the potential to make a man either depressed with himself or obsessed with himself; in his own mind, he will become like either a beast or a god.” ― Criss Jami
Over the past few weeks, I have been struck by how our individualistic mindsets are gnawing away at our sense of human connection. Why has the footprint of our individualistic nature become so salient to me lately? I am still trying to figure that one out. But, nevertheless, one thing is for sure: it is everywhere. Take elevators, for example, everyone rushes to get in, and when it is time to get out, there is this universal expectation that they get to go first. Ever had that moment where you are hustling to catch the elevator, and the person inside is frantically jabbing the close button like it is an arcade game and they are trying to set a high score?
Even in relationships, I see this individualism creeping in during therapy sessions. Relationships now often resemble a standoff, with each person telling the other to go fix themselves. It is like they have forgotten that a relationship takes two to tango. Sure, working on yourself is great — self-improvement is a wonderful thing. But if you want a healthy relationship, it requires teamwork. It is not a solo act.
And do not even get me started on the word “boundaries.” It is a term that has been so overused, that it now resembles egoism in a fancy disguise. Honestly, I have come to really dislike that word. As a psychotherapist, I talk about boundaries a lot in sessions, but I stick to the original meaning. Boundaries in intimate relationships are about negotiating limits, rights, duties, and rules — like figuring out what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in a relationship. However, this word is now increasingly being used as a scapegoat for taking responsibility or avoiding things that require compromise and effort in relationships. For example, one partner says, “I need to set a boundary, this is not mine to deal with” whenever their significant other wants to discuss their feelings. Suddenly, boundaries have become a way to dodge emotional intimacy. It is like using a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign to avoid any conversation that requires emotional weightlifting.
So, what gives? Why have we become so individualistic?
I have a few theories, and I suspect social media has a big foot in this pie. When you are constantly fed the message, “each for their own,” it is no surprise everyone thinks they can become a seven-figure business owner, their best self, or step into their own authenticity. But this message conveniently ignores the fact that success is never a solo act. No admired, successful person has ever made it without help — never!
Then there is remote work — yay, right? Not so much. When we are forced to work in isolation, we tend to become more individualistic. Sure, it is comfy working in your pajamas, hitting that random yoga session, or being able to work in different cities, but it comes at a significant psychological cost. You end up getting hijacked by your own little thought bubble. No longer are you exposed to differing opinions. You forget how to tolerate others. You stop having those random office laughs. You no longer feel part of a tribe. You lose the meaningfulness of your work. Additionally, you end up unlearning how to socially engage, making small talk feel like a Herculean task and labelling social engagements as “boring.”
And let us not even open the Pandora’s box on religion, or the lack thereof. Where has unity gone? Where has coming together for a common good, shared belief, or value gone? Our fragmented nature is pushing us towards individualism, making us look to the online world for connection and belonging. However, the online world is a Petri dish for self-admiration, self-absorption, vanity, and that beloved term “narcissism.”
It is like we’re slowly turning into a modern version of the Greek god, Narcissus, who was a beautiful young man who was admired by many but showed no interest in anyone else. He became infatuated with his own reflection, spending all his time gazing at himself in a pool of water. This self-absorption eventually led to his downfall, as he became so entranced by his own image that he was unable to look away and ultimately wasted away and died.
Our modern society echoes this by prioritising individual needs and desires above all else, often at the expense of others. A society that seeks constant validation and admiration, where a sense of self-worth is tied closely to external factors such as physical appearance, social status, or material possessions. Unfortunately, we know from research that true fulfillment and happiness come from meaningful relationships and a sense of belonging, rather than from superficial admiration or validation.
So, while social media is telling us to focus on our individual greatness, and remote work is making us comfortable in isolation, we are losing touch with the very essence of human connection. The result? A society of self-absorbed, self-focused, disconnected individuals who find real-world interaction as exciting as watching paint dry.
The solution? Well, I can think of a few ways in which to skin this cat, but probably best left for its own dedicated post.
If you liked this article, let me know by giving it a clap or drop me a comment below. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Medium, or join my weekly Newsletter, Lessons from the Couch — where I share nuggets of wisdom, psychological research, personal insights and lessons straight from my therapy couch.
