How to Build a Stronger Sense of Self
“Where your fear is, there is your task” — Carl Jung
Few things in life are as challenging, yet as rewarding, as embarking on the journey towards self-discovery and embracing your true self. It is a path filled with twists, turns, and moments that will make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself: “Who is that person staring back at me in the mirror?” As you peel back the layers, digging deep into self-enquiry, you might find that this “true self” is not a final destination, but rather a continuous work in progress. Just like physical fitness, where reaching peak health does not mean you can stop working out — maintaining your sense of self requires constant work, care, and attention. Without this ongoing effort, even the most actualised version of yourself can slip away. But nothing is as fulfilling as reaching that point where you have a strong, resilient sense of self — it is like hitting your personal best in a marathon, but for your soul.
Think of this personal journey like getting into shape. You do not just hit the gym once, flex in the mirror, and call it a day. Nope, you repeat the process of discomfort (i.e., training) over and over again. Similarly, if personal growth is not a priority for you, excuses will become your default setting. You will avoid asking those tough questions, cling to outdated beliefs, shy away from confronting your shadow side, and fail to embrace the parts of yourself that are ready for transformation.
So, how do you build a stronger sense of self?
Even though I am not a fan of “How to” guides for life — because let’s face it, life is just too messy for one-size-fits-all solutions — there are a few key elements that can significantly contribute to cultivating a stronger sense of self.
Silence
Arguably, the most foundational element is spending time with yourself. To really connect inward, the world around you needs to be silenced. Silence is our most natural state. No focus or intense concentration is required to be it. Here, I am not talking about ways to calm the modern, monkey-mind to a state of silence. Instead, I am referring to silence as a state of being which is always available to you. It is omnipresent, like a trusted friend who is always there but does not mind if you take a while to notice.
In silence, things reveal themselves as they truly are. When we interact with the world, we do so through the filters of perception — projections of our own egos. We do not get to see things for what they truly are. But in the stillness of silence, we enter an ego-less state and we can finally see things as they are. Imagine looking at a flower, letting it come to you in its fullness. You do not just see colour or form; you experience the flower in its entirety. This is how the world should be seen — without the imposition of our minds.
Similarly, when you turn inward, you experience your pure sense of being. You listen. You separate yourself from those critical, belittling, or victimising voices in your head — those pesky intruders that are not really you. The more time you spend in silence, the more you’ll notice what truly drives you — your essence, your uniqueness, your inner guide.
Curiosity
I am yet to find a great leader, thinker, or innovator, past and present, who does not celebrate and cultivate a strong curiosity about life, the world, and others. When you approach life with curiosity, you place yourself in a state of perpetual growth. After all, if you are curious, it means you want to learn, and if you want to learn, you are acknowledging your capacity to grow. The bonus is that curiosity comes with a side of positive emotion. You cannot be curious and miserable at the same time. Ever tried being curious about a weird question your toddler asked and irritated by it at the same time? Nope, it does not happen.
But most importantly, if you direct that curiosity towards yourself, all judgements crumble (reminds me of that old Flake ad — “… and all resistance crumbles” — sorry, just had to). When you are curious about yourself, you see yourself for who you are. You learn new things about yourself. For example, if your typical reaction to not getting something right is, “You idiot!” or “Argh! Why do I even try? This is pointless!” or “Nope, this is just too much effort”, then approaching the same situation with curiosity would bring about thoughts like “That’s interesting, I wonder why this part is so difficult?” or “I wonder how many attempts it will take for me to find this easy?” or “Ah, I see that getting things right all the time is important to me, I wonder where this comes from.” It is like turning your inner critic into an inner detective — suddenly, you are solving mysteries instead of wallowing in frustration.
Self-Trust
In my work as a therapist, I have found that self-trust is often the biggest hurdle on the road to self-discovery and mastery. It is particularly challenging for those who grew up in environments with overly critical, perfectionistic caregivers or, conversely, in environments where caregivers were absent, disinterested, and boundaries were non-existent.
How do you know if you trust yourself? If you can 1) make decisions for yourself and 2) know that you will be able to deal with the consequences of those decisions should they show up. But if you have spent your life focused on pleasing others or avoiding conflict, self-trust may be foreign territory. You might make decisions based on what is best for others or avoid decision-making altogether. The key is learning to turn inward, make decisions based on what feels true for you, and trust that even if you stumble, you will learn, grow, and make better choices next time. When self-trust is lacking, you are likely to seek external approval or advice (i.e., professionals, friends, coaches, YouTubers), especially when the stakes are high. But the real growth happens when you learn to rely on yourself — even when the path is uncertain.
Accountability
A strong sense of self goes hand in hand with radical accountability. This means taking a good, hard look at your thoughts, behaviours, and actions. No more hiding behind excuses or ego defenses — because hiding only keeps you stuck in a defensive state. It is only when you lean into what you have been avoiding that your true self will star to emerge. You start to live from an ego-less state, free from the chains of defense mechanisms. You start to show up in the world as you are, not as you expect yourself to be. You realise that your life is your responsibility, no one else’s. Yes, others may have played a significant role in shaping your actions, behaviours, and choices, but you have the power — and the responsibility — to overcome them. Acknowledge the pain, resentment, or anger you feel towards those past experiences that shaped you. Work through it. Accept it. And then start doing the work to become the person you were meant to be.
Turn Towards Others
Lastly, even though the journey of self-discovery is largely a solo one, you do need others if you are ever going to truly strengthen your sense of self. You cannot practice showing up differently in the world without other people. You cannot build self-trust or confidence in isolation. You need feedback from others to see how you have changed over time — because sometimes, the mirror just does not cut it. We find meaning and purpose in our connections with others.
Ironically, the more you work on yourself, the more solid your sense of self becomes, and the more others will be drawn to you. But here is the caveat — with a strong sense of self, you might find yourself enjoying time alone a little too much. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but remember, too much of a good thing can sometimes turn out to be… well, not so great.
The above is by no means an exhaustive list, nor is it the only way to cultivate a stronger sense of self. But incorporating these elements into your personal growth journey will undoubtedly lead to some profound improvements. Now, go and embrace the beautiful mess that is self-discovery — you’ve got this!
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