Emotionally Numb? When You Live In Thought Not Feeling
“The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see and knows what the mind cannot understand.” — Robert Valett
We all know how I love patterns. There is something deeply satisfying in uncovering them, like pieces of a puzzle that finally fit together. But not all patterns bring about excitement for me, some patterns reveal unsettling truths that call for attention and concern. One such trend that has come increasingly into focus for me is that of emotional numbness. More and more people are reporting a profound sense of detachment, depersonalisation, and disconnection, a feeling that life has lost its zest or “oomph”. This numbness is often associated with confusion, meaninglessness, lack of motivation, restlessness, frustration, and an inherent sense of being “stuck.”
As one would expect, when people feel like this, they end up at Dr Google to find out what is “wrong” with them. Sadly, Dr Google tends to spew out a number of possible diagnosable mental conditions. In fact, I did just that. I Googled (yes, that is officially a verb now!): “Why do I feel numb, empty, directionless and unmotivated?”. Dr Google eagerly replied with: Feeling numb is a common symptom of mental health conditions like depression, PTSD, or psychosis. Other symptoms include feeling sad and empty, losing interest in activities, and having low self-esteem. It even gave me the contact details of the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG), just in case. It should then not be surprising that people end up self-diagnosing, trying to confirm their worst fears about their mental health.
While trauma, grief, and certain medical conditions can all lead to emotional numbness, there is a deeper issue at play here, one that is not always a clinical condition. For many, this pervasive emptiness signals a lack of emotional connection, both to themselves and others. Just as an example, if I were to ask you: “What are you feeling right now?” How many of you would think of how you feel, instead of actually tapping into your body to feel what you are feeling? I bet a lot of you do think rather than feel. But this is not a sign that you are broken, it is largely a byproduct of our digitalised, disconnected, and information-heavy world.
Just like when food manufacturing became a thing and processed food became abundant, so too has information gone from being a scarce resource to something that is available in excess. We gorge ourselves daily on information, not realising this unhealthy infomation-diet is silently transforming how we interact with ourselves and the world. Remember those days when you actually had to go to the library to find information on stuff?
At this point, you may wonder, What the hell does information overload have to do with my emotional numbness? It turns out, research (https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-022-07657-8 ) shows that the more we engage online, the less human we feel. In psychology nomenclature, this phenomenon is better understood as alexithymia, which is characterised by a person experiencing difficulty in being aware of, identifying, and labelling or expressing their emotions. Alexithymia impacts the entire process, from sensing bodily emotions to identifying and labelling these feelings. Some researchers (Bressi et al., 2016; Spek et al., 2008) even consider alexithymia a stable personality trait, but studies show that psychological intervention can reduce its severity, helping people reconnect with their emotions.
The problem is that when we do not engage with the emotional centres of our brain, those neurons fire less frequently. Neuroscience teaches us that “neurons that fire together, wire together”, meaning the more we activate certain brain areas, the stronger those connections become. When we spend hours consuming information, we activate the cognitive, analytical parts of our brain — the “thinking brain” — but we neglect the emotional centres. Over time, this habit leads to feelings of disconnection, numbness, and even depersonalisation. This is often accompanied by purposelessness, a lack of direction, and the sense of being stuck.
The interesting thing is that people often use the same “thinking brain” strategy to get themselves out of the hole they are in when, ironically, it is the thinking brain that got them into the hole in the first place! It is like you are trying to dig yourself out of a hole using the same shovel that got you into the hole in the first place, and wondering why the sky is getting smaller!
In therapy, I frequently see clients seeking relief from feelings of disconnection, depression, or anxiety through cognitive strategies (i.e., more CBT, habit formation, and action plans). They look for moreinformation, thinking it will help. Unfortunately, more external, intellectual information is only going to create a deeper hole. What they really need is the opposite, less thinking and more feeling. I always say that if what you are doing is not working, try the opposite approach, it may just make all the difference.
What is really needed when you are feeling disconnected is a reconnection with the self and the world at an emotional level, not a cognitive one. This may require the uncomfortable process of allowing yourself to truly feel your emotions. It could mean slowing down, looking around, breathing in the air, feeling the ground beneath your feet, or even just watching a ladybird crawl across the sidewalk. Reconnecting emotionally might also mean unplugging from digital life, spending time in nature, journaling about your emotions, listening to sad songs, watching a tearjerker, or going for that that gastronomic culinary experience. For some, the best approach is therapy, with a therapist serving as a guide rather than an encyclopedia of answers.
As we continue living in a world intertwined with digital devices and artificial intelligence, staying connected to our emotional side will become increasingly important. Remember, the purpose and meaning you seek for your life will never come to you in thought. You cannot think of it. It is a feeling, an intuitive knowing.
Without nurturing our emotional connections, we risk becoming adrift, isolated, and caught in the trap of self-absorption. Even more troubling, if we lose our connection to others, we may find ourselves drawn to the artificial empathy of machines — feeling more understood by human-like robots than by actual people. Why? Because these machines mirror back exactly what we want to see and hear, creating a simulation of understanding tailored to us alone. However, the cost is high, we risk perceiving real people as dull, self-absorbed, and even irrelevant. Therefore, learning to stay connected to our emotions (yes, embrace the FEELS) is not just valuable, it is essential to living a truly meaningful life in an increasingly cognitive world.
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