Being real: What authenticity looks like for a therapist
“Staying true to who you are in a world that is constantly trying to change you is the greatest accomplishment” - Ralph Emerson
Authenticity. What does it mean to be authentic in the therapeutic context? If authenticity means being real and showing up as your true self in front of others, does this mean that if you don’t reveal all of yourself from the start that you are being a “fake”? Does authenticity mean having no social filters? Showing up exactly as you are? Showing up authentically is something that I’ve been pondering on a lot over the past week following one of my therapy sessions — one in which I self-disclosed. I didn’t feel uncomfortable and I thought the question the client asked was valid, appropriate, and warranted a response. So, I asked myself, why it is that in some cases I am able to reveal parts of my true self but not in others?
The therapeutic relationship is one that is built on trust, openness, transparency, and honesty. In other words, authentic. But then does it mean I am being inauthentic if the client asks you questions about yourself which you fail to reveal in favour of preserving the professional aspect of the relationship? Does this then make me “fake”? But surely, if healing takes place through the therapeutic relationship, then the relationship itself should be authentic and real? If the client perceives the therapeutic relationship to be anything but authentic, there will invariably be distrust, a lack of vulnerability, and a complete abandonment of the process. The more I pondered on this, the more clarity I found, and I wanted to share this with you.
Throughout your training as a psychologist, self-disclosure is positioned as a “no-no!”. The reasoning behind this makes sense (to a point). Self-disclosure can potentially derail the therapeutic process by shifting the focus away from the client’s needs and experiences. When therapists prioritise maintaining a professional boundary, it helps uphold the integrity of the therapeutic relationship, as well as their own ethical conduct. Revealing personal details can inadvertently introduce external ‘contaminations,’ diluting the purity of the therapeutic exchange and hindering the client’s progress.
However, I do believe that self-disclosure is a natural progression of any trusting relationship, professional or personal. As such, I feel that self-disclosure, when appropriate, can actually enhance and strengthen the therapeutic relationship. Again, provided this is done within a boundaried relationship. So, here is where the authenticity part comes in — to create these therapeutic boundaries I, as a therapist, cannot just show up as my true self. I need to create those safety zones (i.e., boundaries) for my clients.
For example, let’s say one day I wake up feeling really heavy because of some personal circumstance that happened the previous day and I show up in therapy being very down, and when my client asks me how I am doing, I take the time to just reveal how emotionally drained I feel today and I’m just trying to focus on each session as they come.
Can you image the impact of this on the client who is coming to therapy with their own emotional heaviness?! This “authenticity” from my end may leave the poor client feeling guilty for now “dumping” more emotions on me. Something that they should never feel guilty for. Something that is already tough enough as it is — allowing me to sit with them in their emotional experience! So, here is how I see authenticity.
To me, authenticity means being true to who I am in the way I show up for others. Being true to my values I hold as a professional. Same goes for authenticity outside of therapy. How do I show up as a friend, as a partner, as a sister, or whatever role I am filling? For example, authenticity in my role as a partner may look like being silly when I want to, because playfulness is one of my core values within a relationship. Similarly, I will make compromises within my roles as a friend, because a core value for me in friendships is consideration. Now, as a therapist, I place high value on integrity (both to myself and the profession), compassion, confidentiality, professionalism, commitment, unconditional regard, acceptance, and responsibility.
Having reflected on this, and framing authenticity for me this way just “feels right”. Intuitively, I feel I am prioritising the other in staying true and authentic to my values as a psychologist. Being inauthentic as a therapist, for me, may then look like withholding asking tough questions in an attempt to ‘please’ the other, or having professional boundaries overstepped and not reinforcing these, or not referring clients when you know you are not a good therapeutic fit for the client.
Ultimately, authenticity lies in the therapist’s commitment to themselves, their clients, and the profession. Fostering a supportive and non-judgmental environment where clients feel safe, seen, and accepted. Empowering them to delve into their innermost thoughts and emotions whilst having someone there to guide, contain, validate, and support. If, however, your values are not aligned with the role you find yourself in (e.g., therapist, manager, advisor, parent, coach, nurse, etc.), well then you have some work to do!
Living authentically is essential for your physical and mental health and overall wellbeing, because going against your values comes at a significant cost — both emotionally and psychologically. “Faking” your way through your daily life will inevitably leave you feeling burnt out, depressed, and anxious. You will struggle with confidence, self-trust, and motivation. Therefore, if you find yourself in role where you need to show up in an inauthentic manner, you have the ability to choose to either step out of the role, or choose to adopt a different set of values. You can actually choose your values ya’ know. You are not a tree, you can move –physically, emotionally, and mentally. And if you need a change in direction with your values, well then therapy is a great place to start!
Until next week, be authentic — the right way.
If you want to subscribe to my weekly newsletter where I share nuggets of wisdom, insights, and my own learnings straight from my therapy couch, then please click here.
