Behind the Facade: How People-Pleasing Masks the Painful Reality of Self-Abandonment

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go
of who we think we’re supposed to be
and embracing who we are “
- Brené Brown

One thing that has come up for me a lot over the past week, and which I have been reflecting on, is the concept of self-abandonment. My preoccupation with it can largely be attributed to the fact that it is something that shows up for me in therapy with clients on a daily basis — not even weekly basis.

But what is self-abandonment really? I would describe self-abandonment as a process by which a person neglects or betrays their own needs, emotions, values, and well-being for the sake of others. It involves disregarding one’s own authentic self and sacrificing personal integrity and happiness in an attempt to obtain approval, validation, or love from others — essentially, living according to the expectations of others.

The costs associated with self-abandonment are profound and it can manifest in several ways including depression, anxiety, self-loathing, lack of self-trust, abandonment, feelings of loneliness and isolation, social withdrawal, relationship difficulties, career dissatisfaction, emptiness, and lack of purpose. When you abandon yourself, it will affect almost every aspect of your life. Unfortunately, self-abandonment often feels “normal” for most people, and they may go through their entire life never having lived a life that is true to them. As I always say, if you do not know who you are, you will continue to life a life of someone else’s design.

But then, I was thinking, what is the difference then between people-pleasers and self-abandonment? For me, people-pleasing is one way in which self-abandonment shows up to the world. We are able to identity it through people-pleasing. So, if you really want to label people-pleasers, you may as well call them “self-abandoners” at their core. From here onwards, whenever I refer to self-abandonment, I am also includes people-pleasing.

Why do we self-abandon? Well, this is not a straightforward answer, as each person’s reason for self-abandonment will differ. Nevertheless, at its core, self-abandonment serves as a protective reflective reaction, or coping mechanism, that is born out of a fear for one’s safety and/or abandonment by others — you would rather abandon yourself than endure the abandonment of others. As with most things in psychology, self-abandonment has its roots in childhood. It generally comes from having to make sure the other (caregiver) is ok. Because if the caregiver is ok, they are ok (i.e., they will survive). Unfortunately, the false belief is then solidified that through self-abandonment they will secure the acceptance, trust, and approval of others and, in turn, their physical and psychological safety.

Despite serving as a way to cope during childhood, self-abandonment does not come without its detrimental costs. So, before I continue discussing the consequences, perhaps sharing a few characteristics of self-abandoners (yup, that might just be a new word soon) will be helpful. Even though you will already know if the shoe fits, here are a few key identifiers:

• Being unaware of your own needs
• Not being able to voice your needs
• Ignoring your own emotions
• Difficulty identifying your emotions
• Disregarding your personal values
• Not having personal boundaries or unable to uphold these
• Seeking external validation and guidance
• Difficulty saying “no” to others
• Lack of self-compassion and self-care
• A loss of authenticity and direction in life

Even though the costs associated with self-abandonment are significant and run deep. I will unpack some of the most salient ones in this newsletter, otherwise this might just end up in another thesis (ok, maybe not entirely, the first one was long enough).

Generates Distrust
Those who self-abandon or people-please falsely believe that by doing so they will gain the trust of others. Unfortunately, this does the exact opposite! People generally do not trust those who self-abandon as they can sense their inauthenticity. Also, we know from research that we have an inborn ability to actually smell distrust on someone. The distrust in self-abandoners is not unfounded. Underneath that people-pleasing there lurks a dark side — the same unpredictable, hurtful side that they experienced as a child. At the outset, people-pleasers are great partners or friends. They make you feel seen, heard, and understood. Self-abandoners know where they can help to alleviate the pain of others. However, self-abandoners often feel used, and over time, the increased self-abandonment leads to a build-up of resentment and anger which reveals itself in emotionally hurtful behaviours towards others. But, because those who self-abandon fail to acknowledge their own dark side, they will project this onto others and believe that others hurt them and cannot be trusted.

Attracts Co-dependency
People-pleasing also holds hands with co-dependency. People-pleasers often end up in relationships with addicts, or people who need saving, which then result in a co-dependent relationship. In a co-dependent relationship, the self-abandoner will sacrifice themselves to please the other. They seek harmony within a relationship. They make it their responsibility to take ownership of the emotional wellbeing of the other. They only feel worthy if they can please the other, or ‘fix’ the other. However, co-dependents will unconsciously or consciously sabotage the progress of the dependent, because without the pathology the dependent, the co-dependent ceases to exist. The co-dependent only feels worth of existing in the role of ‘pleasing’, ‘fixing’, ‘looking after’ the other. They need to feel needed by the other. But co-dependents will invariably carry a lot of resentment and demand a lot from the relationship. This is mainly because the co-dependent gives so much to the other, and therefore, expects the same in return.

See Relationships as Demands
Self-abandonment also robs you of enjoying relationships for what they are. Those of self-abandon will unconsciously associate relationships with demands. To them, relationships will mean doing and giving and sacrificing themselves for the other. As such, they tend to feel much safer out of a relationship than inside a relationship. However, they often really want to be in a relationship, but fears the threat to their autonomy and freedom once in a relationship (i.e., disorganised attachment). The only way for these individuals to actually enjoy a fulfilling relationship is to learn to embrace their authentic self — who they are, warts ‘n all!

Fears Emotionality
Because the self-abandonment stems from a fear of unpredictable emotionality, people-pleasers will associate fear with negative emotions. For them, it is very difficult to tolerate emotions like anxiety, anger, frustration, embarrassment, disappointment, judgement, etc. As such, they always try to avoid experiencing these negative emotions by adjusting their emotional state to keep the emotional state of the other “safe” (i.e., calm, happy, predictable). Sadly, trying to avoid negative emotions and conflict is like playing hide and seek with your shadow! No matter where you run to, it’ll always follow you.

Blurry Boundaries
Because those who self-abandon are always trying to ensure their own emotional safety, they fail to be assertive within relationships. Assertiveness does not mean you have to act like a poophead, it just means you can voice in a respectful manner what your opinions are, what needs you have, and what your boundaries are. According to the literature, assertiveness means “the ability to speak and interact in a manner that considers and respects the rights and opinions of others while also standing up for your rights, needs, and personal boundaries” (Pipas & Jaradat, 2010, p. 649). However, the interesting thing is that when people-pleasers start to learn how to become more assertive and set boundaries, they often blurt out their boundaries and it hits the other like misaimed frisbee at a picnic — unexpected and painful. Others may then experience them as being abrupt, rude, harsh, hurtful, or even disrespectful. However, with guidance and persistence, self-abandoners get it right! They slowly learn that they can be assertive in a polite, respectful, and calm manner. They don’t need to be aggressive or loud to assert themselves. They also learn that they are not responsible for the emotional reaction of the other, and therefore, doesn’t need to “fix” the emotional reaction of the other.

Loss of Self
It is not hard to imagine that when a person navigates through life, constantly prioritising the needs and expectations of others over their own, that they would lose themselves. In their quest to maintain harmony and avoid conflict, they silence their inner voice, suppressing their true feelings, values, and desires. They become adept at fulfilling roles and obligations, but amidst the flurry of external demands, they lose sight of their own worth and authenticity. After a while, they no longer know who they are. Each sacrifice chips away at their sense of self, leaving them feeling hollow and disconnected. They find themselves dependent on external validation, constantly seeking approval from others, and trying to fill the void within them through work, exercise, food, alcohol, socialising, *insert any other escaping behaviour*. These behaviours sabotages their efforts to move closer to themselves. Leaving them with a profound sense of emptiness, as they yearn to rediscover the essence of who they truly are beneath the layers of years of self-neglect.

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As you can see from the above, self-abandonment comes at a hefty price. Even though it may have served you well at some point in your life, by not making an intentional effort to put down the heavy mask, it’ll keep directing your life and you will call it fate.

And on that note, I leave you with this: make space for your inner voice and give because you want to, not because you have to.

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