Am I Codependent? Clarifying Its Hidden Patterns
“To believe in one’s self is to take a worthwhile risk”
- Ogwo David Emenike
Do you ever find yourself constantly putting others’ needs before your own, tiptoeing around conflict to keep the peace, even at the expense of your own well-being? Do you ever feel like you’re drowning in the needs and emotions of others, losing sight of your own identity in the process? Do you often feel overwhelmed in meeting the expectations of those you care about? Do you often find yourself in relationships where you are being taken advantage of, or where your partner is struggling with an addiction, mental disorder, or some dysfunctional behavioural pattern?
If you’ve answered yes to two or more of these questions, then you may be struggling with aspects of codependency. The term codependency originally emerged in the psychological literature within the context of addiction, particularly concerning the enabling behaviours of family members of alcoholics. However, it has since been broadened to encompass various types of dysfunctional relationship patterns beyond addiction. Codependent individuals often prioritise the needs and emotions of others over their own, often to the extent whereby they neglect their own well-being and boundaries. This pattern of behaviour often results in feelings of resentment, low self-esteem, and a lack of autonomy.
Unfortunately, codependency sneaks into a person’s life without them even realising it. It wraps its tendrils around their hearts, making them believe that their value lies in how much they can do, give, and sacrifice for the “other”. This “other” can be any meaningful relationship including a partner, family member, friend, or even work colleague. But beneath the facade of selflessness lies a deep well of unmet needs and a yearning for validation that can never be fully satisfied.
When people find themselves in a codependent relationship, they struggle to maintain the difference between their self and the other. They find it extremely difficult to fully express themselves, what they feel, what they need, and what their boundaries are. Over time, their identity becomes increasingly defined by the person they are in a relationship with. The codependent will forgo their own needs and activities to focus exclusively on the needs of the other. Yet, these behaviours will often be viewed as selfless, caring, highly efficient, supportive, responsible, helpful, and considerate. Additionally, when outside of a relationship, codependents tend to view relationships as demanding — filled with expectations and responsibilities. To them, being in a relationship means losing or abandoning aspects of themselves.
Codependency often originates from childhood experiences of trauma. This trauma can occur when a person grows up in an environment that lacks stability and predictability, both physically and emotionally. Examples include living with a parent who struggles with addiction, a parent with mental health issues like emotional instability or disconnection, very strict or highly authoritative parents, being removed from your home of origin at a very young age, or receiving absent and inconsistent caregiving. These kinds of home environments can cause children to develop insecure attachment styles, typically leaning towards either anxious or fearful-avoidant attachment styles.
So, what are some key tell-tale signs of codependency?
Lack of boundaries
Codependents really struggle with setting boundaries as they were never allowed to set boundaries for themselves as children, or the boundaries they did set were disregarded or disrespected. As such, they tend to either overstep or disrespect the boundaries of others, often unconsciously whilst perceiving it to be helpful, considerate, or selfless. When codependents do set boundaries they struggle with feelings of guilt and setting boundaries feels wrong to them. Due to their past experiences with boundary-setting, codependents often expect negative consequences to follow any boundary-setting endeavour.
Difficulty with emotional and sexual intimacy
Codependents often find themselves in relationships that are somewhat shallow or where the other is unavailable (emotionally or physically). This stems from their childhood trauma of being hurt when they allowed themselves to be vulnerable. As such, they have learnt not to trust others. Additionally, due to the abandonment of their own needs, codependents tend to feel shameful for their own sexual needs and desires. As such, they often find sexual encounters to be very anxiety-provoking or awkward.
A constant need for validation and reassurance
Many codependents have not had the opportunity to fully individuate from others. As such, they tend to lack a strong sense of self and will use external validation to reinforce their roles within the world and help counter negative self-perceptions. Additionally, due to their fear of being rejected or abandoned, they need to know that the other is ok. The validation and reassurance from others then serves as a sense of safety and security. It is important to recognise that chronic reassurance and validation-seeking behaviours serve as a coping mechanism for codependents, helping them cope with underlying insecurities and fears within their relationships.
Extreme hypervigilance
Growing up in a chaotic household, children develop hypervigilance towards behaviours, tone of voice, and body language, seeing them as early warning signs of impending danger or distressing situations. This heightened awareness enables them to anticipate when things might go awry. As adults, individuals with codependent tendencies retain this hypervigilance, often misinterpreting their partner’s behaviours and attributing undue weight to their words and actions. Consequently, they may come across as excessively reactive, overly sensitive, or prone to taking things too personally.
Chronic people-pleasing
From a psychological perspective, chronic people-pleasing tendencies among codependents can be attributed to a combination of factors. Firstly, many codependents harbour deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth, often stemming from childhood experiences of lack of acknowledgement, consideration, neglect, abuse, or inconsistent caregiving. To compensate for these internalised beliefs, they seek external validation and approval from others, believing that meeting the needs and expectations of others will earn them acceptance and affirmation.
Secondly, codependents may develop people-pleasing as a survival mechanism in dysfunctional family systems, where individuals learn to suppress their own needs and desires in order to maintain harmony or avoid conflict. Additionally, chronic people-pleasing often serves as a means of exerting control in relationships in order to obtain some sense of certainty. By pleasing others, codependents form the false belief that it will keep them safe, worthy, and prevent them from being rejected by the other. Unfortunately, chronic people-pleasing often leads to codependents being exploited by others.
Hypersensitive to criticism
As a result of their fragile sense of self, codependents are very sensitive to criticism. The approval of others is where they derive their worthiness from. As such, if others criticise them, it is a reminder to them of their inherent unworthiness. Generally, criticism is met with defensiveness or overcompensating behaviours.
Inability to leave an unhealthy relationship
Individuals with codependent tendencies may cling to unhealthy relationships as a means of coping with their deep-seated insecurities. Despite recognising the dysfunction within the relationship, codependents persist in their efforts to maintain it, fearing the prospect of loneliness and the associated feelings of inadequacy and isolation. This persistent investment in dysfunctional relationships serves as a way for codependents to avoid confronting their own unresolved emotional issues and to preserve a sense of connection and belonging. However, the cycle of seeking validation from others at the expense of one’s own well-being perpetuates a detrimental pattern that undermines their emotional health and prevents them from developing a strong sense of self-worth and autonomy.
Obsessive preoccupation with the other
One aspect of codependency is the tendency to become obsessive about the other person. This obsession manifests in various ways, including constantly thinking about the other person’s thoughts, actions, needs, and emotions. Codependents may find themselves preoccupied with trying to anticipate the other person’s desires or trying to control their behaviour to ensure their well-being. This preoccupation often leads to difficulty in establishing emotional boundaries between themselves and the other person. They may feel responsible for the other person’s happiness or feel guilty if they perceive the other person as upset or dissatisfied.
Furthermore, codependents may spend an excessive amount of time and energy worrying about the other person’s well-being and emotional state. They may neglect their own needs and priorities in favour of catering to the other person’s needs, which can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, and burnout over time.
Difficulty trusting others
Based on their insecure attachment, they have learnt that you cannot trust others. As such, they find it very difficult to trust their partners. Sadly, this can lead to Codependents sabotaging the relationship as their partners feel like they are constantly under scrutiny or being questioning.
Emotional dysregulation or numbness
From their experiences in a chaotic home environment, codependents actually undergo a physiological change in their brain’s stress response circuit, namely the HPA-axis. This causes the Codependent to experience a higher state of vigilance, alertness and anxiety. They often come across as always being “on edge”. Other codependents become numb towards their feelings and may come across as distant or cold.
Persistent feelings of loneliness and emptiness
Codependents often grapple with profound feelings of loneliness and emptiness due to their tendency to seek validation and self-worth from others, particularly the person they are dependent on. Because they are so disconnected from themselves, they struggle to meaningfully connect with others. Additionally, their fear of abandonment leads to a constant worry of being left alone, intensifying feelings of loneliness even in the presence of others.
Gives and receives love conditionally
Codependents have never learnt how to receive unconditional love. As such, they are not familiar with giving or receiving unconditional love. They tend to show love in the way in which they were loved as a child i.e., conditional. As a child, they learnt that if you are good and do what I say, you are loved, but if you disobey me, you are rejected and made to feel guilty for having your own will. As such, codependents will often use their actions as a way of showing love. Again, for codependents, they do not feel loved unless they do something, rescue the other, or satisfy the needs of the other.
Manipulative behaviours
Codependents tend to keep a tally or score of what they have done for their partner or others so that when they need to, they can “bank in” on this. They use this strategy to keep the other person close. Also, because they are unable to attend to their needs, they use this learnt behaviour to make others feel guilty for having their needs met. For the codependent, relationships tend to be transactional in nature. By using manipulation they manage their own anxieties by feeling in control. Sadly, this strategy always ends up being futile as one cannot control the will of another person.
Highly critical of self and others
Being highly critical is a protective mechanism for codependents. When they are highly critical of themselves, they reject themselves first before anyone else can. On the flip side, they are also highly critical of others, as an ego-defense, so that they can feel better about their own “brokenness”. By obeying this internalised critical voice, they keep providing the evidence to themselves that they are not good enough. That they need the other to feel whole, worthy, loved, and safe.
From the above, you can see that codependency is a complex defense mechanism and a learnt way of being in the world. As such, it is not just something that can be corrected or changed overnight. Often those who struggle with codependency have this way of being tightly woven into the fibers that make up who they are. Nevertheless, through a process of dedicated self-work and psychotherapy, those who struggle with codependency can increase their self-awareness and untangle themselves from these limiting behaviours.
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