A more connected world, an even more disconnected self

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls”
- Carl Rogers

Ever find yourself struggling with a lagging sense of fatigue that just don’t seem to dissipate, and even if it does, it is short-lived? Do you feel you have become increasingly “procrastinate-y” on almost everything, irrespective of how much motivation you have? Do you experience a notable sense of directionless in terms of where you are heading in life? Do you feel like you are the biggest obstacle in your own way towards a happier life? Do you seem to have fallen prey to addictive behaviours, even though you know they don’t serve you?

I have started to notice a concerning pattern, not only in my practice but in our society at large. There seems to be this undeniable internal force pulling at the ankles of people wanting to move forward in life. This force acts like glue sticking to their feet. They want to do something but just have no energy, physically or mentally, to put in the effort required to move forward. There is still a deep internal drive to do the “thing”, but they cannot get themselves to do that which they know they should be doing. Instead, they end up feeling utterly lost, unmotivated, and stuck in thought cycles whilst drowning in inaction.

This can be particularly hard to navigate when you are someone who was perhaps previously driven by achievement and success and never had a problem getting things done. But now, you find yourself procrastinating on almost every possible task. You feel overwhelmed with possibilities and having to make decisions. You feel so lost in your own life; unsure about what you want your life to look like. You drive yourself mentally nuts with “shoulds” — Should I change jobs? Should I leave my current relationship? Should I move countries? Should I follow a vegan diet or a keto diet?

I will be honest, I am not immune to this undeniable force. I initially attributed my own lack of “oomf” to getting sh..tuff done to having very little time to regroup, sit alone with my thoughts, and just do nothing. I had to juggle busy practice, PhD, presentations, talks, writing, business, socialising, and still somewhere squeeze in time to regroup. Even though I found this quite challenging, to say the least, I realised that I have previously managed to balance similar, if not more commitments, yet not feel this way. I’m inherently driven and get a weird kick out of getting things done — I can thank my high conscientiousness trait for that. I find great pleasure in creating things, learning things, and sharing knowledge and insights with others. However, at times, even creating things seemed like a chore, a “have to do” instead of a “want to do”. What has changed? Something has gone missing.

I had my hypotheses or hunches of what might be happening psychologically and/or biologically, but it was not until I delved into the latest book by Cal Newport, Slow Productivity, and watched a recent interview with psychiatrist, Dr Alok Kanojia on Diary of a CEO, that my hypotheses seemed to hold water. I did not believe that this chronic unmotivated state that people are currently experiencing was just some form of global burn-out or a delayed side-effect of our stress response following the pandemic. Why? Because no matter how much clients did the “right things” (e.g., meditation, diet, exercise, journaling), they did not experience much improvement in the way they were feeling.

I believe that what is really happening is that we have lost the ability to turn inwards; we have become increasingly disconnected from our true self. We have turned into overstimulated, habituated beings. We are neurologically drained by the constant absorption of information, distractions, and fast-paced advancements. Our biology was never meant to absorb, process, and engage with so much information, distractions, and stimulation on a daily basis. We have unconsciously started to eliminate a core aspect of our human flourishing — time with the self; time to process; time to human.

In the age of rapid technological advancement and constant connectivity, it seems paradoxical that despite being more connected than ever before, we have become more disconnected from each other and, even more so, from ourselves. Amidst the hustle and bustle of modern life, we often find ourselves engulfed in a whirlwind of distractions, information overload, and external stimuli constantly pulling us away from our innermost thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants. When you have become disconnected from your sense of self, it can manifest in several ways including procrastination, burnout, relationship difficulties, obsessive thought patterns, overworking or overtraining, social isolation, constant comparison and validation-seeking behaviours, self-doubt and self-criticism, eating disorders, mood disorders, reduced focus and attention, increased fear of missing out, and/or relentless pursuits of productivity and success. This constant distractedness is what is causing this overwhelming neurological drain on our mental capacity. We end up feeling too tired to even think about ourselves. Too tired to journal. Too tired to connect with others. Too tired to do creative work. Too tired to do spontaneous things. Too tired to just human a bit.

We no longer take time in between experiences to pause, reflect, and process. Instead, we use whatever is immediately available to escape sitting with ourselves. We watch Netflix instead of reading, we sit with our phones on the balcony instead of just sitting on a chair and taking in the sounds around us. We avoid the boredom of the 30 seconds elevator trip, so we whip out our phones to scroll social media. Heaven forbid you actually had to speak to the other person in the lift! Similarly, when last did you stand in a queue at a store and just stood there, watching, observing, standing with your own thoughts instead of, again, pulling out your phone to read emails, send a WhatsApp, or scroll Insta? Previously, before phones and social media were a thing, whenever something upsetting happened, we would be forced to sit with our emotions. We would not have a phone to escape to. We had to tolerate sitting with the discomfort of feeling sad, disappointed, angry, upset, or hurt. In fact, we would often end up speaking to someone because they would actually notice that we were not ok — we actually noticed each other.

If you think about it, in caveman days, when men went out to kill and they had a disagreement or argument during the kill, they would have to work together still to carry the kill home to the tribe. They were forced to sit with their internal conflict and work out their differences. Nowadays, when we are upset, we go to our rooms and distract ourselves with our phones, or we switch on Netflix and scroll social media simultaneously, or we go streaming, or just open up Hinge and look for option B. Oh, and don’t fool yourself, it is not just uncomfortable emotions that we fail to process, we do the same with positive emotional experiences such as excitement, joy, awe, happiness, exhilaration, and anticipation. Ever notice those Insta reels where people record meeting their baby for the first time, or do a live pregnancy test, or record a surprise birthday reveal? We no longer allow ourselves to experience these joyful moments for what they are — special moments! No, we have to “capture and share”, replacing special moments with screen moments.

So, you may now sit with the question, “How on earth do I reconnect with my true self?”. Well, this is the tricky part; self work is not some magic bullet.

Knowing yourself and where your needs, desires, and wants stem from is the path back to your self. It amazes me how we can be so motivated to learn about worldly things, and acquire so much knowledge about mathematical equations, cell biology, neuropsychology, geography, astronomy, and physiology, yet we learn so little about ourselves. I do believe a key reason behind our lack of motivation to acquire self-knowledge is that it takes effort and time — something the modern world tries to avoid. Additionally, self-knowledge is an internal source and not something that can be found in a nicely laid out course curriculum. There is only you, your connection to yourself, and the questions you ask yourself. It is easier to turn to psychological knowledge online, where words have just been vomited onto a screen without real consideration for the meaning behind it. As such, self-enquiry requires seeking knowledge which does not yet exist in conscious thought. However, the more knowledge you acquire — as with any subject matter — the easier it will become to add to that knowledge base.

When you navigate closer to your true self, your focus changes — it goes from external (i.e., what is going on outside of me) to internal (i.e., what is going inside of me). You start to discover your own desires, needs, and wants. The same part of your brain that controls action is also the same part that observes internal conflict. In the Western world, we have become so accustomed to action, action, action… doing, doing, doing. There is a lot of power encapsulated in just observing. As long as you are aware of the conflict within you, you have not lost the battle. It is as soon as you let go of the conflict and give in to your desires, that is when you have lost the opportunity for self-enquiry.

In a world where we are so distracted from ourselves, we no longer know what our internal motivations and drives are. Our desires, needs and wants are replaced with those by the outside world. We don’t lack motivation — we lack direction. You are unmotivated because the thing that you think you want, is not actually what you want. We all have inborn drives and ambitions, however, when these are suppressed in favour of external drives and ambitions — for a need of acceptance or fear of rejection — that motivation will invariably wane. As you start to no longer give two shoots about what others think, you will also start to lose the motivation to pursue those things that the outside world wants you to pursue. Before you know it, you will feel lost, unmotivated, and riddled with anxiety.

So, before you start criticising yourself for not doing enough, for being so tired all the time, for not having your life “figured out”, stop! Maybe it is time to stop all the doing and start being.